To be clear, I do care a lot about the homeless situation and by no means intended to trivialize the sad situation these less unfortunate beings find themselves. In the past I've volunteered my time at churches, food banks and other outreach facilities here in NYC that works closely with the homeless community. From organizing can food drives, to clean-needle initiatives, drug rehabilitation counseling and the annual used winter coat donation drive, I have been actively working with the homeless for approximately 15 years.
It is through those experiences however, that I've come to the conclusion that only through a public, ritualistic, fiery effigy would we begin to meaningfully solve the homeless problem in New York City.
My reasoning is simple: the homeless are not really human beings and should not be afforded the same rights as the rest of us, you know, the "homeful." Unfortunately for the homeless, they forfeited that right when they decided to go get all liquored up and high. There is nothing wrong with getting liquored up and high. In fact, I'm liquored up right now as I type this. But like everything else in the world, you need to set limits. You can't be drunk and high ALL the time. Just on the weekends and Carnival Tuesday.
It costs on average $36K a year to feed and house the homeless in NYC. And what do we get in return? Nothing. Nothing but fat, lazy, dirty, good for nothing vagrants on almost every street corner begging for drug and rum money. Always with a sad story about they need money for food, or to travel to Vermont, or for subway fare, or to feed their starving kid. Lies, I tell you. Just LIES. Why should we, the "homeful" hardworking tax payers, foot the bill for these bums? Why can't they go find a job like everyone else? It is only with decisive action, like public burning, would we see an improvement to this situation.
As I said above, I worked with homeless organizations in the past and have tried just about everything to help the cause, even paying kids to jump over them with BMX bikes. I admit, jumping the homeless with BMX bikes, even though very amuzing, was not a very well thought out plan, but spending $36K or giving free plane tickets like the Bloomberg Administration is now doing, is just another waste of money.
If you allow me a few moments, I'll explain why public immolation is a much, much cheaper option. Gas prices drop precipitously in the summer months here in NYC (as of this writing, it cost about $2.61 a gallon) and from my research, it takes less than a gallon's worth of gas to really get flesh ablaze. Now, by nature, the homeless are already very flammable due to the fact that they wear multiple layers (even on the hottest summer days) and their unnaturally high blood alcohol level. I'm telling you they will burn like fireworks on July 4th! In fact, I wouldn't be surprise if it takes less than a half gallon of fuel to get them blazing.
Now, by making it a public spectacle and letting it be known that this is the City's new policy, in the interest of self preservation, the homeless will inevitably change their ways. Think about it for a second, wouldn't you stop acting crazy and getting wasted daily and find a job if you knew that you will be burnt alive in front of City Hall if you didn't? Surely this will work. And the final cost would be less than $2.61.
I guarantee, within 2 weeks time, our homeless problem will be solved. Guaranteed.
